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May 22, 2015 by Kathy Brous

Romance, Dating and Trauma

Hello-KittyWhy Dating Never Heals Emotional Pain

People with attachment troubles or other child trauma often ask: why is dating so difficult?  It is, for a reason.

So instead of the dating hunt,  I invested my life, fortune, and sacred honor to work for “earned secure attachment.”  Dr. Dan Siegel says that’s when we start out with attachment damage from childhood trauma,  but grow into secure attachment by earning it as adults.  “It’s possible to change childhood attachment patterns,” as Dr. Mary Main says in a 2010 video.1

My plan: “become the change you seek,” as Ghandi said — and then a good-hearted mate will find me.  Either way, eventually I’ll have peace in my soul.

Look, Ma, no hunting or begging – for once in my life!  I’ve been begging since birth for a scrap of love like Oliver with his begging bowl, and I’m done.  Dating website emails go to my spam folder.

I know it’s possible to earn secure attachment, even for those with Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) like me who’ve had developmental trauma “since the sperm hit the egg” and thus the world’s worst case of anxious attachment.

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